In this episode of Being in the Arena, Zach Arend delves into the intricacies of leadership, challenging conventional wisdom on three key aspects. He begins by dissecting the notion of responsibility, advocating for a shift from "taking" responsibility to "being" responsible, fostering a culture of collaboration and empowerment. Zach then dismantles the idea of leaders empowering others, emphasizing the inherent power within individuals and the role of self-empowerment. Through some anecdotes and introspection, he encourages leaders to embrace a mindset of personal accountability and to recognize the power dynamics at play in their interactions. Tune in for a transformative exploration of leadership dynamics and personal growth.

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TRANSCRIPT BELOW:

So, yeah, I might come at this intense with a lot of intense ideas. But then I'm also going to intensely listen on your ideas. And we're going to do our best work by not holding back. 

Zach Arend: Welcome to being in the arena, a podcast for leaders. For those who want to increase their impact and influence on those around them so that they can create more of the results they want to see in their lives and their businesses. And today, I want to talk about three things I think we get wrong about leadership all the time. 

And this is coming from lived experiences. One; I'm aware of how I've taken these on for myself and how, in many ways, they've hurt me more than helped me in past leadership scenarios. And now I see them in so many of the leadership teams I work with, in the rooms that I'm in, it's subtly under the surface because as a coach, I'm always listening 

differently than most of us probably listen. Because I'm not listening to what you're saying. I'm listening for who you're being as you say it. I'm listening for the place that you're coming from. Because that matters. Who you're being is everything. And let me try to put this into context. 

I was thinking about this morning. I listen for where you're coming from. And so when you think about where you're coming from, imagine if you just came from driving to work and you almost got into a head-on collision and you step into the office. You're coming from almost accident that happened on the freeway, versus you just arrived at work and you came from a one hour massage, right?

Coming from those places are going to determine a little bit of who you're being in that moment. So that's how I'm thinking about this, the place to come from. So who are you being as you're saying what you're saying? And then what is the impact it's having on those around you? Those are the questions I'm always asking. 

And there's three things we get wrong often when it comes to leadership. And I want to break those down and just give you something to think about. And again, I want to invite you to listen, not for agreement here, because there's always an instance where you can argue with it. "Well, what about this?" Frankly, that's just not useful. If you're going to listen that way you might miss something. 

I want you to listen for insight, not agreement. Because I'm not here to argue and tell you, "this is the one and only way to be a leader" because I really respect the art of leadership, the subtle ness of, the nuances of leadership. And yet these are three that, who were being as we ask these things and as we say these things in our organizations, I think are hurting us more than helping us. And it's not that I just think, I've seen it play out in a lot of teams that it's not serving us. So let's get into them. What are the three things we get wrong about leadership? 

Number one. We believe that leaders take responsibility. Who's heard that before? Like "you're the leader. You need to take responsibility. You need to take ownership. Take responsibility. You're the leader. You're the owner. You're the business owner. You got to take responsibility." 

And here's how I see this play out. Because it's not just the words, it's who we're being, when we quote unquote, "take responsibility." It's literally what we do is we take responsibility. But where was it? Where did we take it? Who did we take it away from? You see, far too often we take responsibility, but what we ended up doing is we take it away from our team. We take it away, from our children. We take it away from people. That's where we're taking the responsibility from. So taking responsibility often kind of comes across as, "okay. Give me that thing. I got this. I'm the leader. Let me take care of it." 

And again, there's a time and place probably for that. But if that's the standard way we approach things and take responsibility, we take ownership, you're not only hurting yourself, you're hurting everyone around you when you do that. Because when you take responsibility away from people in your organization, what are you teaching them? What are you teaching them? 

For you to take something away from them like that, their own responsibility, their own ability to respond, you're putting them in a victim position. To put it bluntly, you're putting them in a victim position. And you're showing up as the rescuer. You are, that's what you're doing. And so instead of taking responsibility, I believe as leaders we must be responsible. 

There's a distinction here between taking responsibility and being responsible. Taking responsibility implies " if it's to be it's up to me" kind of thing. 

And "I'm the leader, I got this, I know what we should do." And I think that's diminishing everyone around you when you do that. Now, being responsible is quite different because this is who you're being. You're being somebody who's coming from the place who is responsible who is able to respond, response able.

 I heard it said that way and I'm like, "that's perfect." 

That's what I'm talking about. Being able to respond. I am always able to respond. And when you come from that place, it ain't bad. It just is. When, when we're taking responsibility, it's more like, "oh crap. This is bad, this is, this is an issue." And the problem is we all walk around and we're already always an issue waiting to happen. 

You know, like something happens and we're like, "oh God, we're already paranoid. So it's an issue." And so we have no other choice, but to take responsibility, to take control away from others. And so who we're being is, you know, an issue waiting to happen. And when we be responsible there's a little bit more of an emptying of the bad. 

It's just " you know what? Ain't bad just is." 

I can respond. "Okay. That's not what we're going for. So what's the opportunity here? How do I want to respond to this?" Because I always can respond. But when you be responsible and know that you're able to respond, leadership now becomes more of a dance with others, which is more, yeah, I mean, more in alignment with what leadership actually is. 

When we take responsibility there's no dance. It's " come over here. We're going over here." You know, "we're going to twirl." Yeah, it doesn't work. But when we be responsible, able to respond, we're able to dance with what's occurring in the business, within our team. 

And that, that is an absolute must as a leader because that's what allows you to keep people responsible. Because if you're going to be responsible, so must they. And then that means the only option we have is we must dance. We got to dance, we got to collaborate and work through this together. Ain't bad. 

Just is. And what do we want here? What, what needs to be different? What do we want to, how do we want to approach this? You know, it's a dance, it's a conversation. And when we take responsibility, we disrupt all of that. And we're hurting ourselves more than helping ourselves. So that's the first thing that we get wrong is we take responsibility. 

And instead, I want you to take this on. I want you to be responsible, be able to respond and be willing to dance with what is. That's number one, number two. I love this one because I said this one all the time. We got to empower our people. I'm empowering my people. Here's the thing. You don't empower people. 

You can't empower people. Again, this is a play off the first one a little bit like the word 'empower' means to give power. You can't give power to somebody who is already powerful. It doesn't work that way. So we can't empower people because people are powerful. I believe that. I'm not here to argue. I've taken that on and I believe it's true. It's useful because when I see everybody else around me as powerful, it takes a little bit of the load off my back and I get to focus more on what I'm here to do and what I'm here to contribute. I don't feel like I have to carry everybody else's stuff. Because the truth is everybody's powerful. 

So it's not my job to empower them. People can only empower themselves. You can only empower yourself. That's the only way, that's the only place empowerment comes from within. You are the only one that can give yourself power. And you're also the only one that really can take it away. I mean. You want to challenge that? 

Read man's search for meaning by Viktor Frankl. The guy, you know, is in a concentration camp. And still found a way to stand in his power. When everything in his environment, you know, most would say, was trying to take it away from him. So you are the only one that can empower yourself. And you're the only one that can take that power away. And so if that's true for you, it's true for everyone around you. 

And that changes how you lead, that changes how you interact with people. So the second thing we get wrong is leaders empower people. No, they don't. No, they don't. People can only empower themselves. Okay. So where does that leave us as leaders? 

Our jobs as leaders is to create an environment where people empower themselves. Our job as leaders is to teach people to empower themselves. 

And that's a subtle distinction. There's a nuance there I'm not empowering you, but I'm going to teach you to empower yourself. Here's one simple way to do that. 

Ask them what they think. Ask them what they think they're going to do about it. "What are you going to do about it? What, what ideas do you have?" Keep the responsibility and ownership and power with them.

 And how you do that is by asking questions that prompt them to go inward and think and find their own solutions. That's how you teach people to empower themselves. You're not empowering them. No. You're teaching them. You're teaching them to empower themselves. That's what the great leaders do. They never lose that distinction. 

I was leading a workshop with 30 executives of a large hospital and we started talking about this. It was the half court line we were talking about, like on a basketball court. And what we often allow happen is when we try to empower our people, we're trying to get them to do something. 

We're trying to control them a little bit. And we literally step across the half court line. And we get into their area of responsibility and we meddle and we get in the way and we get all entangled with them. And we have to learn to go right up against that half court line and know that that's where our responsibility is. The rest is on them. And that's the only way we're going to allow people to empower themselves is you have to put them in a position of choice. And in a position of thinking and solving their own challenges and keep them at the captaincy of their ship. That's the only way we teach people to empower themselves. 

The second we step across that half court line, you know, and try to dribble the ball for them and shoot the ball... it doesn't work that way. If we're going to lead we've got to teach people to empower themselves. And there's a line of responsibility there. And every time you cross it, you're actually taking power away. Again, not here to argue. But where might that be occurring for you? 

Like in your business with your team, where might you be gripping the wheel too tightly, trying to try and hard to empower your people and "God, how do I just, I just want, I need to empower my people and I need to get them to take ownership and..." Well, where are you doing that? Because you're creating an impossible intention. 

You can't empower people. You can't get them to do anything. And the moment you realize that and you stop trying to do that, all you can do is bring them up to the half court line and give them a choice and ask them to choose. And here's the thing, people tend to choose in the direction of their best interests. 

So if you can show them what's in it for them and give them opportunity, 9 times out of 10, they're going to take it on. Are they going to hit the ground and stumble? Yeah. But if you think about it, how did you learn? How did you develop and grow? Yeah, that's how we all grow. We fall down, we get back up, we skin our knee. And we've got to allow people to do that. 

No more rescuing people. Stop rescuing. Let's start leading, right? Let's teach them to empower themselves. And the only way we do that, we've got to be okay with them hitting the ground, to pick themselves off, because guess what happens every time you hit the ground and you pick yourself up on your own volition. You just get a little bit more confident, a little bit stronger. You get a little bit more of a sense of who you are. 

Somebody who just gets back up. But if you've always got mom or dad there helping you up, giving you a bandaid, holding your hand, you never get to experience who you truly are. So let's stop trying to empower people and let's let them be powerful. Let's get out of their way. And if anything, create the environment that allows them to be powerful, creates an environment that empowers them. And teach them how to empower themselves. 

Cause you know what, frankly, the world has not done a good job of teaching people how to empower themselves. We've forgotten who we are. And so if there's one job as a leader is let's teach people to remember who they truly are, and that's powerful. 

Number three, the third thing we get wrong about leadership all the time. 

I hear this all the time. How do I get buy-in? I just need to get buy-in. I know what we need to do, now I just got to get my team bought in." This idea of getting buy-in is, it's so over. Like, getting buy-in? Come on. Again, every one of these I'm sharing with you. What I'm seeing as I'm sharing this with you is it's how we see people. "People are somebody we need to take responsibility from. People, we need to empower them. People, well, we got to get them bought in." 

There's this constant focus on controlling people and controlling outcomes. And getting buy-in is, one of these subtle things, is we put it on ourselves as the leader that we need to know the answer. We need to know what we're going to do, especially if there's a crucible in the business. Well, we need to take responsibility and we need to figure out where we're going. 

What are we going to do? We need to have the answer. We put all that pressure on ourselves as leaders. And then if that's the case, all you have left to do is to get buy-in. Right. And it makes sense. Like we're so keyed into the fact that I'm the leader. I've got to have the answer. I got to know what we're going to do next, because everybody's looking at me. 

And so all you have to, you know, only option is you can only get buy-in, if you want people on board you got to get buy-in. But here's the truth. People support what they create. And so if you're constantly creating solutions in a bubble and then trying to get people to buy into your ideas, that's a lot of work. And I'm saying you don't have to work so hard. You're going to be way more effective as a leader if you co-create solutions with your people. And the only way you truly sincerely co-create and collaborate with people is you have to let go of what you think you should do. You have to detach from outcomes. You have to be willing to step into a room and tell people the situation and also be open and honest and say, "I don't know yet how we're going to respond to this. But what I do know is we're going to figure it out. And so let's shut this door and let's talk, let's figure out the best way we can move forward, to come out the other end successful." And we're having a conversation. There is no need to get buy-in ever. 

Now, what I'm not saying is diminishing your own ideas. Because you have a perspective. You do, like in many ways, you have a very broad aperture, a broad perspective of the entire business, where individuals might only see like a small portion of it. And your perspective and your vantage point is so needed. 

So you have a perspective, they have a perspective. And so don't diminish what your ideas are. And you know, another hokey thing I see leaders do, and I just think it's so hokey, like the CEO is "I'm going to sit back and first listen and hear what you all have to say. Because I don't want to influence..." and I get it because we do. We, as leaders, as the CEO, as the leader, we do tend to notice how people just kind of agree with us and that's a real thing. But I would rather just call that out than play that game because I want to be the type of leader, and I want you to be the type of leader, that plays full out. You don't hold back. But you're also creating a space and you're inviting other people to play full out equally. And 

so, yeah, I might come at this intense with a lot of intense ideas. But then I'm also going to intensely listen on your ideas. And we're going to do our best work by not holding back. 

And when we do that, we don't have to get buy-in anymore. 

We literally co-create together. And so where might this apply for you and your business? Where maybe you could trade in this idea of getting buy-in and get people on board with your vision and instead bring your vision to the table. Set it in the center of the table, like metaphorically, like you're setting it down and now we're all looking at it together. Like the spirit of that is so different than holding this vision close to your heart. 

And then being like who's in, who wants to join me? That's putting a lot of pressure on you as the leader, when I want to see you be able to stand in your power, let go of that vision enough to where you can allow other people in. So that now we can have a true conversation around what we want to create together. So, how might that apply for you and your business or on your team? 

How, how might you create more of a collaborative co-creative spirit? Because people support what they create. And if you kind of come from that place, people support what they create. And that is antithetical to getting buy-in. And so, how do I, how do I create that environment where we're truly collaborating? 

So these are three things leadership gets wrong. And my hope is maybe I'm holding up a mirror and you're seeing yourself in this because I know, I know I do. Like this stuff is subtle and I do it. I do it with my kids. Oh, yeah. I take responsibility. I try to do everything I can to empower them. 

And far too often, I try to get buy-in with my kids. I don't know about you. How's that work? How's that work for you? When you try to get buy-in with kids? It doesn't, it doesn't work. But whenever we sit down and just talk about what I would like, "what would you like? Well, that doesn't work for me. 

How about this?" And we actually have a conversation. It's amazing how easy things can go. Not always, but I like my chances when I take that approach. It takes intention. It takes patience. But in the end, I think we get there so much faster and we're so much more effective as a unit. So, yeah, I'm using the context of family and parenting because that's real for me. 

I got three little daughters at home. One's turning 12 and is you know, it's like a little teenager and I'm having to learn where I've developed some bad habits at home. And naturally that extends out into the workplace in the business. So, what about you? Yeah, I would encourage you to, at the end of this episode, just take a moment, just shut everything off for a moment and if you're driving, just kind of think reflect on this conversation. And if there was one thing for you, what might it be? So thanks for listening. And we'll see in the next episode.